Pace...be still
There are three things that I’ve been consistently praying about and asking for God’s help with. The first is receiving God’s love, the second is refining my spiritual senses so that I can discern God’s voice from mine or something else, and the third is pace. This has been a prayer that I’ve been humbling myself to for months now. It’s been a prayer that is at the fore front of my mind. More recently I’ve been flexing my prayer muscle and getting better at formulating my wording to be more direct and effective. We often talk about God ordering our steps.
“Direct my footsteps according to your word...”
What I’m now asking God is to not only direct them but to have me move with Him so that we are one accord. You see, I feel as though having a map can be great and all but I can’t leave out an important character in this life which is time. Have you ever looked at your life and noticed the timing of certain events and how something just happened to coincide with something else? Or had this not happened then that wouldn’t have happened. Some years back I became increasingly curious about God’s timing for my life. I would notice how certain events or circumstances would emerge out of a soup of infinite possibilities and then collapse itself into a single point where I am experiencing a certain moment with certain people. Once I noticed this it’s been a hard thing to shake. I can’t unseen it, I can’t look away.
And all of this got me thinking about the ways that I not only try to do my “own thing” but I also try to do my own thing on my own time. When I do this nothing comes out the way that I desire it to. For years I was left puzzled as to why I had laid out a plan for something, reviewed (and sometimes even rehearsed ) the various twists and turns that could surface if the plan didn’t come tor fruition as I had hoped. But time and time again I would see that my plans were thwarted, changed, even obliterated. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Then of course God would remind me about that all too famous quote from the Bible.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.”
Some years back I had a therapist who encouraged the practice of slowing down. Often times I found myself swirling in a vortex not knowing my up from down and my right from left. More often I had pulled myself into these vortexes… but I didn’t know it at the time. God gives us free will. We have the ability and capability to do whatever we want and chose a path or make a decision that WE feel is best for us, but just because we have the ability to chose doesn’t always mean that we’ll chose something right for ourselves. I happen to be a parent and I’ve noticed how parenting gives me real time opportunities to see all the aspects of myself come up to the surface. I can’t hide from my children, though I try. Reflections happen in all of my relationships but they don’t have the same type of potency that parenting does. And of course there is always the propensity to ignore the reflections in other relationship types but I digress.
With my youngest there is a desire to be older and get to a place where they can have more agency and autonomy over their own lives. (*I want to be clear that I am only using the pronouns they/their as a way to uphold privacy and not to reflect their gender identity.) They are continually letting my know that they want to do things that are beyond the realm of their age. I remind them that they will have all the time in the world to do the things that they are asking but should take this time to enjoy being a kid. Once those childhood days are gone, they are gone forever and we can never get them back. And of course, just as I did to my mother when I was that age, I brushed off the wisdom and continued to wish for an expedient life. At times I smile to myself when I hear these rushed wishes from my child and other times I feel sorrow. I desire for my child to feel at peace where they are at. And then I hear sound familiar?
Many may go to the bible verse in Mark 4:39 when Jesus says “Peace! Be still!” But this verse is part of a story where Jesus and the apostles are in a boat and a wind storm begins to create some tumultuous waves that beak the boat that they’re all in and cause the boat to begin to sink. Jesus calms the storm and all is well. That story is great and I often go to that when I need to calm my anxiety around things that I may be worrying about. But the scripture that I am finding myself lean on is from Proverbs
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.”
In order for me to trust in God I have to move at His pace. Sometimes that can look like me asking for guidance on a certain matter and not hearing from God for days, maybe even weeks before I can act on it. The anxious person in me wants to handle whatever it is right away. But speed doesn’t mean wisdom or even that the situation will get better because I moved faster to handle it. Most of the time (honestly all the time) whenever I’ve acted on something out of haste, the end result never worked our in my benefit. In truth me wanting to get through the situation as quickly as I can is because I’m uncomfortable. I don’t know about you but I hate discomfort. Some years back I began giving myself a mantra I must learn to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations. Obviously this is easier said than done.
No one wants to rest in uncomfortability but it’s often what we have to do. And I am learning that this is where the true nature of my character lies. How do I respond when I have to take my time? How do I feel when I don’t have control? What are my behaviors when I must lean on God and not myself? These are all questions that I’ve had to ask myself as it relates to pace. I can’t say that I have to answers to these questions and I have a feeling that I never will. Life will always bring about challenges that are nuanced and difficult to face, but fortunately I have a Father who knows all and more importantly, knows me. So rather than moving like a bull in a china shop breaking everything as I try and act quickly. I am learning to be slower and move at the pace of patience which opens me up to greater wisdom and understanding. Then I can embody the characteristics of Jesus and handle a situation with tenderness, love and care.